apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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