please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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