Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
