I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
