So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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