There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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