If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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