turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
