You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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