Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
