take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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