I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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