Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
