if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
