When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
