They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
