She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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