I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
