no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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