Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
