I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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