Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
