do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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