he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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