I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
