i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
