So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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