My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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