just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
