Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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