i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
