cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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