Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
