I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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