I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
