she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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