yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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