All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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