god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
