i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
