I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
