Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
