Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
