I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
