I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just google imaged poop.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
