I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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