He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
