And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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