I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
my sisters under your porch take her home
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My liver is preforming stress tests.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
