I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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