It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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