I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
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Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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