youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
