forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
