Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
