Im at strip club and am horny
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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