So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I love you. Go after that dick
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
