A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
