I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
