Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
