first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
