i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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