Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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