my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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