No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
