Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Dear god my vagina.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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