i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
